Thursday, May 11, 2006

Last Post

Sorry it's been awhile peeps, but ....I've been in jail. My PO somehow came across my blog, I assume my baby's mama, and saw that I had been out of state which caused me to get arrested for a parole violation. Anyways, I just got bonded so I can go home for a few weeks before my court case at the end of the month. I just wanted to give everyone a shout out before leaving. It's been real!!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Management Lession

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened. She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

**Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

ATM Instructions

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

1. Drive up to cash machine!
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find hand bag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. "The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his otherhand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Ghetto Spellin' Bee

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel -Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,"Bullshit, that watch israel".
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the pool hall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle; iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word.
Today's word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence - I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Man, my weekend was dope!!!!

Man I had the best weekend of my life this past weekend. I went up to KY to visit my cousin at the University of Louisville. Go Dirty Birds!!! I got up there late Thursday night and just chilled at his crib playing some Xbox. Next morning we got up and went to Keeneland Race Track to find Miss Innocent, KJ and the Goose. We looked for about 10 minutes and then a fine ass group of hoes from Kentucky State University caught our eyes and we hung out with those lovely ladies for the rest of the day. Man there are some beautiful women up in KY for anyone who hasn't been there. The rest of the weekend we just partied a bunch. We went to a place called 4th st live a couple of times. That place is live brotha!! Anyways I got back yesterday afternoon and spent all day yesterday and most of today resting up. oh and I tattoo of my twins girls above my heart so that they'll be with me forever.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

You Know You're an Extreme Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.